Every Mom’s Nightmare….Finding Your Son’s Happy Sock Stash

Ever since getting my son when he was five, I’ve always dreaded that day. You know what day I am talking about. The day when you realize your son has discovered his penis. Boys are SO much different than girls, and I was good at raising girls. Learning to raise a boy has had a STEEP learning curve, and I draw the line at the stash of happy socks.


Let me back up a bit. When we were moving from Indiana to Minnesota, we were packing up my son’s room. Not known to be the cleanest child on the planet, I was already wondering whether I should don a haz mat suit to survive the experience. We were breaking down his bed, and there it was! A jar filed to the brim with crunchy, nasty, dirty socks. Since it seemed to be a “secret” stash my mind already imagined the worst.

Mr. Crunchy was totally not any help. He was swearing we had finally found our son’s “happy sock” stash. Being a girl, and having only raised girls most of my parenting life, I had to ask what the heck he meant. I quickly regretted that decision. For those of you that don’t know, I guess it’s a thing among guys when they discover their special part to use socks to have fun with it. E W W W W W W . This was my little boy he was talking about. I can’t be old enough to have a son that’s doing THAT already.

Though thoroughly disgusted, I wanted to do the proper thing and talk to my son about it. Carrying the stash of socks, we plopped them down in front of him and I took a deep breath. Our talk kinda went like this

Me: “Son you are going to find out real soon, if you haven’t already, that your penis is fun.”

Son: “MOOOOOMMMMmm!!!!!!!”

Me: “It’s nothing to be embarassed about, but let’s lay down the law now. What you do with your penis is your business in the privacy of your room. I don’t want to find conditioner missing in the bathroom, or finding a jar of crunchy socks in your bedroom. Do your business, and put it in the wash. Got it?”

Son: “I think I am going to die!!! I can’t believe you just said that.”

Me: “Well, I did, and I can’t believe I just found a stash of crusty socks in a jar in your bedroom. Don’t be embarrased, just don’t let me know about it and do your own damned laundry.”

Son: “Can we stop talking about my penis?”

I think that talk went well, don’t you?! Well, at least I haven’t found anymore collections of crusty socks in my son’s bedroom. Though I have to admit he’s still going through an abnormally large quantity of socks still. I guess buying the extra socks is worth it, if I don’t have to do the laundry.

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  1. says

    haha I raised girls and now have a 3 yr old grandson. I shared this with my daughter and I’m sure she’ll be cringing when she reads it. You handled it quite well- to the point! Good for you.

    • says

      Rachel, Good luck to your daughter. Raising boys is different, but I love having my son. He’s such a neat kid even with his crusty sock habit (which btw was just b/c he didn’t want to wash his socks lol)

  2. Monica Kirkham says

    Happy sock stash, is that what you’ve called it? I’ve never heard of that!! haha. I have three girls and a boy, so perhaps that explains my cluelessness as well. Now I have to wonder why, when my oldest daughter called my 14-year old son and asked him what he wanted for Christmas last year, he replied “Socks”.

  3. Brenda B says

    Eewwwww! I have never heard of this before and my son is 18. I’m going to count myself lucky. Too funny!

    • says

      Brenda, You should count yourself lucky. I hadn’t heard of it either until my husband was so gracious enough to tell me that when he was a kid the guys in high school used to joke about having those. Boys are smelly enough having socks that can stand up by themselves from just wearing them. This was a whole NEW level of eww lol.

  4. H. Andle says

    It’s funny that you’re making out as if this is a male thing. The truth is girls aren’t that much different than boys in some respects. They just don’t have as big of a mess to mop up afterwards.

    After two of my female relatives were caught masturbating with the back massager at ages 11 and 12, they came clean about all sorts of things they were currently doing and had been doing the past year. The amount of masturbating they did was crazy. I am a male and I never knew anybody of any gender could masturbate as much as these pre-teen girls were doing. Also numerous things they owned had been inside their vaginas. None of this stuff was washed after. Their bedrooms were disgusting cesspools of vaginal fluids and anything in the house that vibrated was slathered in their juices as well. It was definitely some pretty nasty stuff.

    I guess we should have been dreading the day they were to discover their vaginas.

    I was surprised to find out later that this was extremely common with young girls and that they weren’t being abnormal at all. It seems that when we pretend this is a guy thing that kind of misconception happens.

    • says

      AS a mom of two daughters, couldn’t agree with you more. Sexuality in kids is totally common and not something that should be shamed. We just tend to take it as a tongue in cheek way in our household. Sexuality isn’t a guy thing, but the mess afterwards….well that unfortunately is…..Just something we have to teach our kids about when it comes to hygiene and sexuality, that it’s ok to do it just make sure to wash the crusty socks….or whatever you use in your vagina! :)

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