My Son when he was 6 on our wedding day
If you have been reading for a little bit, you know I have been trying to adopt my stepson Brenden for about a year now. It’s been a long and windy road full of legal jargon, sleepless nights, and some heart ache. Today I am so happy to share with you that our adoption story has a happy ending. As of today, I am “officially” Brenden’s mom! I can’t even put into words exactly how happy I am right now. (I know shocking, that I am lost for words)
OUR STORY BEGINS
I just wanted to share our story to give hopes to all the parents out there that are going through the adoption process; whether overseas, step-parent, or foster. To let you know all that sweat and tears you put into your own story is so worth the outcome for your family!
Our story started back in 2007. My husband, fondly known as Mr. Crunchy, and I began to date in March of 2007. I was divorced, with two little girls, 7 and 3 at the time. He was never married with full custody of his son Brenden, then age 5.
Mr. Crunchy was always extremely very careful with introducing his son to women he dated because even at the tender age of five Brenden had had a hard life. I will spare you the gory details, but at the age of 18 months my husband had full custody of his son because his birth mom was put in jail on charges of child abuse.
I knew that Mr. Crunchy was a single dad, and I respected him for taking time to protect his son, but I will admit I was anxious to meet this little boy that was so important to him. We fell in love hard and fast, and it wasn’t one month when we already knew we were going to get married and he introduced me to Brenden.
WE MEET
That day floats in my mind like it was yesterday. Brenden was this cute little red headed child with freckles brushed across his little nose. Wayne brought him by where I worked so we could get to know each other.
Shyly clinging to his father’s pant legs, I could see a head full of red hair and big brown eyes peeking out at me. He was absolutely the most wonderful little boy I had ever laid eyes on. He was shy, but flirty and not quite sure what to think of me. It was quite adorable.
It didn’t take Brenden very long to get used to me. It was only about a month after meeting me that I went from being “Ashley” to “mommy.” That boy touched my heart from the very beginning, and has always felt like one of my own.
NOT ALWAYS SUNSHINE AND ROSES
Don’t think this story was all sunshine and roses. There was a great learning process to become a mother to a boy, from having two girls, and being a mom to a child I didn’t give birth to. I loved Brenden from the very first day I met him, but it was a different type of love from my daughters. Not better, not worse, just different.
NEVER GIVE UP
Brenden and I have been growing our mother/son relationship ever since that day almost 6 years ago. Ever since that first ackward year, I have thought of him whole heartedly as my son. He feels as naturally a part of me as the two girls I did give birth to. I could never imagine my life without him.
For all those step-parents out there, being a parent is so much more than giving birth to a child, but step-parent adoption can be a scary process. Not only did we have the fear of his mother trying to prevent the adoption, we had the fear of the state we live in making us file in another state. (My son was born in one state, and his bio mom now lives in another state). The process was rather tedious, and required a lot of effort from our family to help get the court the information they needed.
I have shed a lot of tears through the process just pining for the courts to acknowledge what I have known in my heart for the last six years. He is my SON! I protect him just as fiercely as I protect my two biological children. There were many nights, why I didn’t understand why my love for him wasn’t enough for them to see I was his mom.
I guess through my incessant rambling, I am trying to say never give up. Adoption processes can be long and hard, but you know in your heart of hearts that it is meant to be. If that is the case, you also know it’s worth fighting for!
There were many times that I thought about giving up! We went to a hearing in February sure that this would be easy, and were turned away and told to find a way to serve his biological mother. (Even though she had rights terminated in another state). I cried, I was frustrated, and so close to throwing in the towel. Just remember when you feel like this, NEVER GIVE UP! You can get the information you need, and your child is worth every minute of it!
A FAMILY IS “OFFICIALLY” COMPLETE
Well today, all of that hard work and tears paid off. Today our family is finally “officially” complete. Ever since falling in love with my husband, I have had the privelege to watch Brenden grow from that red-headed little boy into an amazing young man. After today, I know that I we never have to worry about if his sisters and I will continue to be able to see him grow into the wonderful person he is and is going to be. As of today, I am “officially” the mother to a wonderful son whom I love and adore with each passing day!
Kim says
Congratulations on being able to call yourself “Brenden’s Mom” – sounds like an identity crisis to me! You may be his “Mom” but God gave him one mother, for whatever reason, we humans will never figure out with our limited intelligence. Why the judicial system or any human would want to challenge the works of a loving God is beyond me. Where is Brenden’s mother? Has she made any attempt to change? I will keep all of you in my prayers…..
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks so much Kim. Brenden’s bio mom hasn’t been involved in a long time, and she doesn’t even acknowledge her mistakes so no she hasn’t changed sadly, but we have a great family and couldn’t be happier!
Kim says
God never gives up on any of us, he never gave up on me when I gave up on Him. There is always hope for all, I can only suggest from my own testimony, that prayers include asking God to open her heart to his LOVE and GOODNESS, miracles do happen!
Melissa Lawler says
You have a beautiful family. Congratulations!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks Melissa 🙂
Not a Perfect Mom says
Congrats! that is truly awesome….
and his mother? what a B…I really don’t understand stories like that…
Crunchy Frugalista says
I think you picked the perfect word :). I don’t understand it either, but in this case it had a happy ending 🙂
Mommy Outside says
What a wonderful story! I’m thrilled for you that you finally managed to get through all of the legal red tape and make it official!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks, it was quite the red tape process lol.
Debi@ The Spring Mount 6 Pack says
That is great. I am so happy for you!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks Debi 🙂
Ellen Christian says
Yeah! congratulations!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks so much, Ellen.
Jewels says
You have been a strong, persistent mom through all this, and quite the inspiration to those around you. Congrats on this final stage, complete and with bonus points. Brenden has the best mom a boy could ask for!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Ok, Jewels now you are going to make me cry all over again. Thanks so much. We definitely feel like our family is finally complete.
Melissa Rheinlander says
So happy for you both!! My step father was my Daddy and was blessed to have him in my life!!
Crunchy Frugalista says
So glad to hear that you had a happy story too. My husband is stepfather to my two girls, and he is definitely Daddy too!
Greta says
What fantastic news! Congrats to everyone!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks so much Greta 🙂
Kimberley Meier says
Congratulations! What a sweet story, I’m glad that everything finally worked out for you!
Crunchy Frugalista says
Thanks so much Kim, we couldn’t be happier.
Ronni Keller says
I know how happy this makes a child and the ‘wholeness’ it brings to families! We’ve done it here!! Reading yours, made me tear up a bit from remembering how super it was for us!
CONGRATS!!! It’s such an amazing thing… 🙂
Crunchy Frugalista says
Love to hear other families that had positive experiences. It was rough, but it was so worth it.
Dee Nelson says
LOL, The Crunchy I know and love would never give up, you must have just thought about it for a tiny second!
Hollyn says
Beautiful story! Congratulations to you and your family! <3
Madison says
Hi mu name is Madison i was so elated to find your story i too went through this except my husband has adoptd my child hes been the only father she has ever known he came into our lives wen she was only 7 months old andhas been here for everything since 2006 my daughter is now 7 and our adoption process was rather long and drawn out buti was emailing to ask if your son knows the truth aout his adoption? out daughter has no clue my husband is not her daddy and idk how to explain or begin to tell her whats happened her dad was not a nice guy very abusive and mean i dont want her to necessariky know these aspects but shes gettin to the age of why dont i look like my brothers or sister so if you have any advice or comments i would appreciate them greatly as i have done a great deal of searching and step parent adoption is not vry popular
Crunchy Frugalista says
I first off wanted to say I was so touched that you took the time to comment on my blog post. That’s exactly why I shared my story was to show other parents out there that step parent adoption is possible, and it’s such a rewarding thing.
I applaud your husband stepping up and being dad. It takes so much more love and devotion to BE a daddy that to be a father.
As far as your question, my first advice would be to trust your instinct. I am not sure how old your daughter is, but I can tell you feel the need to tell her. I guess I should back up and share my story.
I can’t remember how much my blog post shared, but my son hasn’t seen his bio mom since he was about 18 months old. She lost custody of all her kids due to abuse allegations. I came into my son’s life when he was five years old. So, he was old enough to know that I wasn’t his bio mom. My son is a “live in the moment” kind of little kid, so it never really occurred to him to ask. He also didn’t have siblings to worry about looking like.
Even though my son knew I wasn’t his bio mom, we always made the decision to explain (in kid terms) why his mom wasn’t around. We decided to be honest from the get go because we knew he eventually he would have questions.
Back to your question, I think if your child is having questions, it might be time to talk to them. They are probably going to be confuse, possibly even feel hurt, but as long as they know that you are going to be there for them, and that you will answer their questions I am sure you will be fine. After you talk to your child, I would suggest (when your kid is comfortable) to have a family meeting and explain it to the other children if they are old enough. That way you can answer their questions.
Kasey says
This story touched my heart. I am eighteen years old, and I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He has a sweet, precious, now three year old daughter named Madalynn that I love with all my heart like my own. I’ve loved her since the first day I met her, when she saw me she put her little arms out for me to hold her and she has been my angel and my miracle ever since. She began calling me momma about four months later. June of last year, I got a call from one of Madalynn’s mother’s friends to tell me that she had been left with them for days and Maddy’s mother didn’t want her. For two months straight she was all ours. But then her mother came back. We had no choice but to let Maddy go. She would come home smelling like marijuanna, with slap marks on her face and bite marks on her body. She always came home filthy and improperly clothed. Sometimes with nothing but panties, even in late November. We had been told by her own family that she was on Meth and Cocaine. We even had to take her to the ER for fear of molestation. I spent my nights crying, waiting for Monday to come home so I could have my baby back and know that at least she’s safe now. After ALOT of searching, finding people to testify against her, a report from CASA, a drug charge against the mother, and a whole lot of tears and heartache my boyfriend finally got full custody of her. She is safe now, with people who live her and PROTECT her. She is mine in every single way other than biologically. But it’s hard, there’s a lot of things I can’t do for her because I’m not her “mother”. It’s hard, to parent a child that’s not yours, it’s even harder when your sixteen years old and suddenly have a walking talking baby. I hope that one day, I can adopt Madalynn and officially be her mother because God knows I love her enough.
Ashley Sears says
Ok, your story made me tear up!I am so glad to hear your boyfriend’s daughter is safe. I was blessed to not know my son or my husband during the time he was being abused. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak having to send them back to the abusive parent before things are made right. I will always remember the day I first met my son, he was so cute and shy, but not he’s almost as tall as me! All you do is love them lots and lots. Biology isn’t the only thing that makes you a parent. 🙂 I am so honored that you shared your story, and you found our story touching :). I always tell my son that I may not have given birth to him, but I chose him 🙂 Good luck to your family!
Jennifer Harris says
Thank you for sharing. I am also a step-parent who adopted my beautiful 7 year old daughter. Her mother left when she was 1.5 and my husband raised her for 3 years on his own. We met and I quickly became “mama.” We too have had stressful times and I know there will be some more in the future as she has questions but I’m still so glad that she is mine.
Ashley Sears says
Jennifer, congrats on your adoption! I love hearing that my story has helped other step parents whom have adopted. It’s definitely a different kind of parental love, but I tell my son all the time that I got to CHOOSE him 😉 Thanks for taking the time to share your family’s story 🙂