I’m a Cry Baby, and It’s Ok!

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So one thing that you may not know about me is that I am a big, fat cry baby. You know what? I am totally ok with that. No, I am not talking about those women that cry to get out of everything and anything. (Frankly, those girls need to get a reality check) Crying is just one of those things that I have never been able to control very much, which does lead to some really awkward situations.

Here’s the thing. When I was a kid, I was always chocked up to being the “emotional one.” It was something that was almost like a badge of shame. That my feelings didn’t count because I wore my heart on my sleeve. It was something I was mocked for not only by kids in school, but in some of my family dynamics as well. Crying meant you were weak or illogical. It wasn’t something to be proud of.

Growing up was a whirlwind of emotions that I didn’t learn to process well. I adopted passive aggressive behavior to survive. Since my feelings were never valid, I would bottle them up until I would literally verbally explode on people with the poor victim never knowing there was a problem. (Yup, totally did this one time in the middle of a crowded lunch room because friends were treating me poorly)

From embarrassing lunch room outbursts, it progressed to burning and cutting myself as a teenager. I wasn’t allowed to feel. My feelings weren’t legitimate, so I would “take care” of them with physical pain. It was an easier way to get a release.

The thing I didn’t realize until much later in my life, was that I kept putting people in my life that kept bringing home the fact that I didn’t have the right to feel the way that I do. Bosses, spouses, and even “friends” in my life would see the fact that I was an emotional being and use that to their advantage. It was as if my tears were their drug of choice. It made them feel powerful over me. To them, it was useless to be so emotional and to cry at the drop of the hat. It was a fault in me that needed to be corrected. Because these messages were started earlier in my life, and more than one person kept telling me them, it had to be me. There was something wrong with me.

It wasn’t until my divorce in 2006 that I started to see through the fog. It was then that I realized that not only did I have a right to my emotions it was ok to let myself feel them. It was ok to cry.

Don’t get me wrong there are still times that I really wish I could control my emotions better. There is nothing fun about crying in front of your boss because you are frustrated at the situation. (Maybe that’s why I work from home now) It’s also not fun when you are trying to talk, and can’t do anything but mumble through a big fat, ugly cry.

From learning to love and accept myself, there are a few things that I have wanted to say to all those people that abused my emotional side. It’s something that I should’ve said a long time ago:

Just because you see tears rolling down my face, don’t discount me as weak. For I am stronger than you will ever know.

Just because my lip quivers in frustration, don’t discount me as illogical. For I am more intelligent than you give me credit for.

Just because I wear my heart on my sleeve, don’t discount me as nonsensical. For I am more sensible than you.

Just because you can see exactly how I feel, don’t discount me as shallow. For I am more deep than the ocean is wide.

Just because I am emotional, don’t discount my feelings. For I am allowed to feel.

Just because you think you are powerful, don’t discount my right to stand up for myself. For I am not the passive creature you think I am.

 

I’m taking back the word cry baby, and I am flying my flag and owning it. I am cry baby, and THAT IS OK! Being emotional is tied to the side that makes me a passionate and creative person, and I would never give any of those parts up. They are who I am. There is no more shame, no more self-loathing. Crying is just something I do. It doesn’t make me weak, if anything learning to accept my cry baby status has made me much stronger than I ever knew I could be.

For all you cry babies out there, learn to accept yourself. It’s ok to be emotional because with emotion comes passion, and a bad ass chip on your shoulder. (Why else do you think I am a sarcastic wonder?) Embrace this part of you, and allow yourself to learn to love it for it’s what makes you you!

Just wanted to give props to my friend Crissy Page over at Dear Crissy. She inspired me to learn to embrace being sensitive, and having friends in your life that get that has been quite an honor.