I am worth it.
Who ever thought four little words could be so hard? If you have ever suffered from an eating disorder, you understand exactly how difficult it can be to say those four tiny phrases. I am worth it. You have learned a lot about me from reading Crunchy Frugalista, but one thing I have never shared. One thing was too personal to let out there. I have never shared the fact that I suffer from an eating disorder.
I have been suffering from an eating disorder, in some variation or another probably, my entire life. Our house really didn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship with food was. Even with our unhealthy habits, my parents were confused why I developed an eating disorder and their other two kids didn’t. No clue why I did, but it’s been a huge part of my life ever since I can remember.
I hope in sharing my struggle and recovery process with you, that I might be able to help someone else that has also struggled with an eating disorder. Maybe you don’t think you have a problem, or maybe you just don’t know where to start. Where ever you may be, I hope reading about my life with ED will help you in your fight as well. Here’s my story.
JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER KID
Early in my life I was just a happy go lucky kid like anyone else. I rocked my bikinis and loved playing outside. I can remember at 5 years of age wearing leotards to dance class, and enjoying being me. As I grew older, something changed. It wasn’t one particular event, frankly I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I do remember when I started putting on weight. I remember precisely when I thought that I wasn’t a good person because I was FAT.
Around third grade, I started putting on the weight. I was only 9 years old and weighed almost 100 pounds. I had noticed I had put on some pounds yet it didn’t bother me. That was until other kids at school started to notice as well. That’s when the tormenting began.
I was painfully shy when I was a child, but also constantly longed for friends. My mom always said I had a tendency to friend people that were only there to use or abuse me. This was definitely evident in my 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classes.
SERENADE FROM “FRIENDS”
During my 5th grade year, people that were my “friends” hatched a most evil plan. They thought it would be hilarious to get the whole school bus to sing the song “Fat” by Weird Al Yankovich to me. I played it off like I was in on the joke, but inside I was crushed. I didn’t feel worthy of friends because I was fat. I was something to be mocked and laughed at.
Later that year, even the little boy that had a “crush” on me yelled “don’t break the bar” as I was attempting the flex arm hang in gym class. Everyone that I felt I could trust, or that should’ve been there for me, made fun of me just as much as the other kids. I was devastated.
As my struggles with my peers grew, I turned to food. Growing up in a Southern family, I was always surrounded by food. It was everywhere. Every family event was planned based on which dish to serve, not what company to enjoy. It was only natural for me to find solace in the bottom of an ice cream bowl.
A BRIGHT FUTURE, MAYBE?!
At the end of my 5th grade year, my family found out we were moving to South Carolina. I felt a little glimmer of hope. Maybe the kids there would be nicer to me. Maybe I could find a group of friends that thought I was worthy enough to be liked. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about being called fat all the time.
That summer we moved to Aiken, South Carolina where unfortunately I still found ED waiting for me. (To be continued)
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This story is not meant to take the place of speaking with a medical professional. It is only my story, and is not meant to be medical advice
LaVonne says
Wow. Thanks for starting your personal story on here. I appreciate it. These are the posts I like reading. Real. But I know it is hard to share and put it out there. Kuddos to you. Thank you. I can’t wait to read the next installment.
Crunchy Frugalista says
Lavonne, It was really hard to decide whether or not to write it, but if I can help someone else out there it’s worth it. Glad you liked it. 🙂
krystle says
I can relate to bad family attitudes relating about food. 🙁
Thank you for sharing your story, looking forward to reading the continuation.
Crunchy Frugalista says
I think a lot of people have obsessions with food. Look for the next installment sometime next week 🙂
Amber Edwards says
It is so hard to voice your personal experiences with something so dear. <3 I am struggling with an article myself…not ED, but still quite difficult and emotional. It's still in draft because it is so hard to write.
So proud of you putting on a brave face and sharing with us. I have family who suffers with ED and it is so very real and very hard to manage because it's not just an addiction that if you go long enough obtaining then the cravings go away. It's more mental and that is always harder to manage.
Crunchy Frugalista says
Amber, you should write about it. It’s very therapeutic. I am sorry to hear that your family member also has an ED. You are so right though, it is more mental. It very rarely about the food. It took me many years to realize that.
JanetGoingCrazy says
I haven’t ever labeled mine an eating disorder, but it is likely the opposite of what you are struggling with. I understand where you come from with food being the center of all family gatherings. It’s not about who will be there or what we will be doing. It’s all about what food will be served and do we have enough (too much). Because of that (and family genes) I have been overweight the majority of my life…and I overeat on a regular basis. I don’t “blame” but I know that is where I developed the habits that became addictions. Thank you for sharing your story and I know that it will help others.
Crunchy Frugalista says
Janet, My eating disorder has mainly been with bulimia and binge eating, so we actually have more in common than you think. I rarely dabbled in Anorexia, as I love food too much, and still do. I have been overweight most of my life, and have no clue what it feels like to be at a “normal” weight. That is why I am sharing this journey because I am ready to kick it once and for all. I am sure I am not alone in that.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It is such a struggle, and it’s hard because we are constantly surround by food, food ads, and the like. Then on the other hand, we are surrounded by magazines that tell us we aren’t good enough if aren’t skinny. It makes me sick to look at checkout line magazines about 75% have something about weight loss on the cover. Sigh.
Kathleen says
How brave of you to share, I certainly wouldn’t have guessed. I look forward to reading more. I was always teased because amongst other things I was too skinny and they said I was anorexic when I wasn’t. Kids can be so cruel! Thanks for being honest, I’m sure it’s healing for you as well.
Crunchy Frugalista says
Teasing in any form can be really hard to take as a kid. We aren’t yet comfortable in our own skins, and most of the time just want to fit in. Glad that you made it through ok 🙂
Kimberly says
Thank you so much for sharing this. It needs to be talked about. My daughter is suffering from an eating disorder and even with all of the medical professionals and appointments it is one of the most difficult things to treat. I was one of those parents who never thought it could happen to her daughter.
Dolores Brister says
I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there! I hope that your ability to share continues to provide you with the strength you need to continue fighting ED! Giving your “demons” a name can be helpful.
Katherine G says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are a lot of people who can relate and would love to know they aren’t alone.