Puddle of a Woman on Aisle Four

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Tears welling up in my eyes. Standing there paralyzed with a to do list a mile long, and all I keep thinking is “I just have to get through this store!” Taking a deep breath in, I look at my list and start to look at what errands can wait until tomorrow. What doesn’t have to get done today to prevent the world from exploding? My head sinks.

Running errands seems like a simple enough task, but when your fibromyalgia decides to rear it’s ugly head. It doesn’t care that you have a bajillion things to do.

Your. body. just. stops.

Everything you need to do seems like climbing Mount Everest. So here I am. Standing in aisle four, and the only thing running through my brain is  how embarrassed I am. How I “should” be able to run a few simple errands without needing to stop for a nap. How days like these are the hardest, and sometimes I just want to melt into a giant puddle of self pity. How every day this week has been a repeat of exhaustion, and silly me thinking today would be different.

Being chronically tired doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world, and it’s not, but when your chronic illness fatigues you at even the thought of existing it can really start to tear you down.

Just. to. exist. exhausts. you.

With fibromyalgia, that exhaustion eventually leads to pain. At least that’s how it goes for me. Right now, I am in that viscious cycle of figuring out what is too much. It starts with a great day where I feel “normal”. I almost seem to “forget” that I have fibromyalgia. On these days I try not to go nuts, because I know too much means there is a price to pay tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

Even doing a “normal” day’s activity, I wake up the next day feeling like I’ve ran a marathon. The joints scream as I creep out of bed. My whole body feels like the flu has hit my energy stores. And the vicious cycle begins again. Work or nap? Live or at least act like I have the energy to live or sleep?

With my exhaustion, I lose a little bit more and more of myself. Normally the rock of my family, on days like these I feel like a burden. I am not allowed to be weak, or be the one that needs help. That’s not my role in this family.

My husband is an amazing man, and has really been great making sure that I am taken care of. There are days though in his silent stares I wonder if one day he will think being with me is too much. A shell of the woman he married, will he just decide that he can’t be my support anymore.

Out of sorts, tired, broken, and just trying to make it to the end of the day living with a chronic illness is like a merry go round and some days you just can’t seem to keep your eye focused on one object to keep you balanced. Some days the whole world is spinning, and you just want to get off this ride.

That’s when you find yourself in Wal-mart on aisle four about to bawl your eyes out because you have to ask your children to get the ingredients for tomorrow night’s dinners. As they smile brightly and whisk down the aisles, you realize that even though the world is too much for you today that you are truly blessed, and courage isn’t just about going on, but going on even when you feel like you can’t go on anymore.