One of the things that you never quite get used to is when your family members start getting older. As a kid death is something that is harsh and something you just don’t understand. You see the tears and the funerals, but as a child it’s not something that you quite understand. You feel the pain, you see the grown ups cry but it’s all still a mystery.
As you get older, you begin to understand death a little bit more, but do you ever really get used to it? As loved ones grow older, you might see it “coming”, but that doesn’t always mean that you are “ready” for it.
I have been really blessed in my life as far as that goes, but right now I am going through one of the hardest things in my life. My granddaddy, that has always been like a second dad for me, is getting ready to die. It’s something I have known has been coming for years now, but even though I have been expecting it for years I am still not quite ready to let go. Even writing this post, tears start to well up. It just can’t be that time yet.
My grandfather was always someone that I looked up to. He was a superior court judge in Savannah, Georgia, and I was always so proud of what my granddaddy did for a living. As a child, how many kids could say that their grandfather was a judge. For years, I professed that I wanted to follow along in his footsteps. I wanted to be just like him!
For several summers, I would fly down to Savannah and spend the summer with him and my grandmother. He would take me to work with him, and I would play law clerk for the day. My days would be spent typing on the typewriter with his legal secretary, Kay, and I would tail along with his law clerk and help him file legal dockets in the file room. In the mind of a 10 year old, this was the big time!
Seeing my grandfather wasn’t just about seeing him don his judge’s robes, but it was knowing that he stood for what was right, and for that he had my admiration. He was the “law” in his courtroom. He made sure the bad guys went away, and that made things all right in the world. I guess you could say from a young age he was kind of my hero.
It wasn’t just his job that made him my hero. My granddaddy was the first person to teach me about so many things, including my love for the arts. When I lived in North Carolina, my grandmother and him would come to visit. Every time they would come they would take me to the North Carolina museum of Art. I don’t remember too much about living in North Carolina (we moved when I was 10), but I remember those trips vividly. I loved these excursions to NCMOA so much that I remember going even though I had a stomach flu. (Let’s just say that trip ended kind of badly) I still to this day have an art book that he gave me to tell me about the different aspects of art. It was these memories that have stayed with me and fostered my love of art to this day.
My grandaddy was also a world traveler. My grandparents loved to travel and would send gifts from all over the world. As a child, I began collecting foreign currency. Every time they went on a trip they would send photos, post cards, and of course currency to add to my collection. He would share his stories with me and I would listen with wide eyed amazement. Through his journeys I was still able to expand my horizons.
He taught me about unconditional love. No matter what mistakes I have made in my life, my granddaddy has always loved me. He has taught me that family is so important, but it also doesn’t mean that you get to treat each other poorly. Family is to be cherished and respected. No matter what, you help family out. My grandfather has helped me out so many times in my life and with complete love and without judgement. He is the one that taught me that when you help it’s with no strings attached. It’s done with love and compassion.
Two of my grandparents have passed away in the last 10 years, and both of them I never got to get in that “last” phone call with before they passed. It’s something to this day that haunts me. That’s not something that I wanted to happen with my Granddaddy Jim. Speaking with him today was great. It was so great to hear his voice on the phone. At the same time it was hard, I could tell in his voice that he was really struggling to have the conversation. His voice was weak and I could tell that he was saying his goodbyes. He told me how proud he was of me, and how that he wishes we had been closer over the years because we have been so far apart geographically.
Hearing this really meant so much to me, but it was also bittersweet. I know he was, in his own way, telling me goodbye. He was telling me how he felt just in case this was the last time we should talk. He was telling me that he loved me.
Even though I am an “adult” it is still so hard to know that you are going to be saying goodbye forever to someone that has been such an important part of your life. How do you say goodbye to someone that has had so much impact on the woman that you have become? How do you say goodbye to your hero?
No matter how long that you “know” the inevitable is near, it’s impossible to prepare your heart to lose someone that held a piece of your heart for so long. It’s not possible to tell a piece of your heart goodbye. It’s only possible to find comfort in the fact that you know you made him proud and to pass the lessons he taught you onto your kids so a little bit of him can live on.
This post is dedicated to my grandfather, friend, and hero: James Head
Bernadette C says
You are definitely very lucky to have him in your life. My grandparents (on my moms side) passed when I was 9 and 21. The family on my fathers side I do not know but me father passed when I was 16. And most devastating was my mom in 2002 when I was 24. Sadly she was only here for my oldest who was only 1 and she passed 3 days after my 2nd son. Anyways, it is very difficult no matter what aspect of goodbyes you have to deal with and it is always always there. Your grandfather sounds like a great man and your story was great and am sure those memories will stay with you forever!
Ashley Sears says
Bernadette, Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story as well. You are right it can be so hard to say goodbye to loved ones no matter what age we lose them at. It really makes you understand you need to enjoy each precious moment you have with them.
Aurora Scott says
I am sorry about you Grandpa. Just always know you are lucky that you had him as long as you have.. my Papa passed from lung cancer my family took care of him for 10 years before he passed but when he was diagnsed with cancer he was given 6 months to live but he passed in 2 weeks it was the hardest Thing to see such a strong man be in so much pain he passed w hen i was 14 he was the only grandparent i was close to now 4 years later it still hurts but i know he is in a better place..
Danielle says
I’m so sorry for your loss. You were very lucky to have such a wonderful role model in your life while growing up.
Colby Shipwash says
He reminds me of someone that was very close to and that has passed way. The best thing is that You and I will always have our memories to look back on.
Laura O in AK says
I think how old a person is when they do die matters little as there is most likely someone left behind longing for even just a few days more. What a blessing in your life to have had him present and forming so many great memories.
Jen says
I know exactly how you feel, Ashley. I only have one of my grandparents left. She is turning 91 this August, and I have been bracing myself for years now that we would be losing her soon. Somehow, she keeps hanging on, but it’s sad at the same time because I feel like she is giving up and waiting to die. My mom just got back from visiting her in Indiana, and she just seems so void of all life in her pictures. I feel like I’ve already said good-bye to her. 🙁
Ashley Sears says
I think that is the hardest part is watching him get older, Jen. He is looking so frail, and I know that he is ready to go when his time comes. Watching someone decline is just heart breaking, but I am so glad that I was able to talk to him.
Jennifer Bullock {mommybknowsbest.com} says
Wow, what a sweet post, thank you for sharing such intimate details and hopefully your post will help others remember to connect before they don’t have the chance for the last call or last visit. Life is too short.
Sarah BB @ East9thStreet says
Tears are welling up in my eyes for you! My biggest regret was not spending more time with my grandmother before she died. I was so anxious to get the hell out of Dodge that I didn’t realize the other people I was leaving behind. As Jenn said, I hope this post reminds others to connect with their loved ones before that opportunity is taken away from them. *Hugs*
Ashley Sears says
Sarah, I hope it reminds people of that too. Life is too short, and we never need to live taking those around us for granted. I understand your “getting the heck out of dodge.” I have always wanted to live elsewhere from where all my family is, but sometimes the distance really stinks!
Kysia says
Watching a family member die little by little every day is agonizing..then when they are finally at peace..the peace you prayed for them to have ..and it may be selfish but it is even worse once they are gone. My father died from complications from diabetes. He was in his his med 80’s..but ended up on dialysis before the end..and the dotors were threading amputation near the end……DAddy lived a good life most of it he could do what ever he wanted. I still miss him..ten years later,. Mother died suddenly thought she had been feeble for a little while….she was 89…I was with her on a Saturday and she died that next Monday ….BUT the worst to loose above all is your Child..My oldest son died in an accident less than three months after my mom..but every time I saw him…I kissed him hello and goodbye and told him I loved him….I have no regrets! But they are all sorely missed!!
Ashley Sears says
Aunt Kysia, I remember all of that all too well. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Grandaddy before he passed, and I had called Grandma, but she was bathing and I never got a chance to call her again before she passed as well. I am glad that you have no regrets, it means you let them know you loved them.
Jodi @ A Mom Having Fun says
I don’t think you can ever get used to someone dying, but it is a harsh reality. I lost both of my grandparents within one year. I grew up living with my grandparents and had really hoped they both would have been around to meet my first child. My grandpa passed while I was pregnant, 3 months before she was born. Although my grandma did get to hold her, which was awesome!
Wendy says
Hi Ashley,
I got all choked up reading this, because like you, I’ve had to deal with this “saying goodbye” stuff all too recently. Your granddaddy seemed like a remarkable man; thank you for sharing him with all of us. I’m not sure if he passed yet, but I’m sure that this tribute, and those heartfelt words you shared with him during your last phone call, must’ve meant so much to him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this difficult time.
Sending you lots of love and air hugs,
Wendy
Angela Kinder says
I am so sorry for your loss. I envy the relationship you had with your grandfather, as one of mine died before I was born and my Mom’s father never wanted to see us. I know it’s hard right now, and you don’t know how you can live without them. But treasure the time and memories you had with him. And know that every time you reminisce about a memory or even look at his picture, he spirit is there with you.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May your pain ease a little over time.